There was only one thing left that she knew absolutely: the need to be "alone", accepting her luminosity and her physical reflection. Before melting into another, her body should become itself. She should awaken her senses before their possession by others.
She wanted to "become" by listening to the echo of her soul, she wanted to find what she liked to call "her need". She wanted to "be" by going straight towards this "need".
She already felt the tears, the blows, the exaltations, the regressions, the pitch forward, the tentative shortcuts; She intuited the explosion of her mind, she knew the destructive power of her anxieties, but what terrified her was the "relentlessness" of such a voyage, the ignorance of what she would find, despite her belief that she knew what she was looking for.
She would learn to love herself without authorization.
She would give preference to her own perspectives and try to forget others.
She would live for herself because she owned her own life.

Above all she would very quickly catch up with the others.

She closed her eyes and let her thoughts flow like water down her shoulders. With a sudden motion, she turned off the water hoping that this single gesture would magically stop the scattered torrent of her reflection. She slid into her bathrobe, seized a towel and hid her face. In a few minutes, she would live the bathroom, like reentering the stage between two acts, like a tight rope walker finding her balance defying the abyss with a tender sweep of her gaze...

She dissolved under the hot spray of forbidden words. It seemed she had perceived her soul, the tenacious core, the ultimate grail, her new fix.
Thereafter, every shower, every bath, every sensual contact with water evoked this vision.
Thereafter, she washed herself with the secret hope of driving out her soul.
Thereafter, the shower was her only way of not cheating.

Back to Summary 10-1998
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